Isabella's Chat
by AngelSixSixSix
Summary: Bella is on her period, Edward does what he can to make her happy. But what will Charlie think about what is going on behind the closed door? This story is kinda like Rosalie's Chat. Bella's a human still. Funny, please Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1: Moody To The Max!

**A/N: Okay, I know this may go a little slow at first, but it get's better, trust me. I want to break this one up into a couple chapters, so sorry that they may be kinda short. Pleae review and tell me what you think!**

**This is BEFORE Bella's a vampire.**

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I woke up this morning feeling a wetness on the bed and smelled blood. I took a peak under the cover praying in my head that it wasn't what I thought it was, but there is no such God. Alas, It was that time of month again. Fabulous.

"Bella?" Edward's voice drifted in my room as he jumped through my window.

A look crossed his face as he smelled the tainted air. Amusement, and is that… fear? Well he should be afraid, everyone should be terrified of a mood swing, hormonal Bella.

"What Edward?" I wined as I rolled over in my bed.

I blinked and he was there, smiling sweetly, trying to get on my "good" side. Yeah, he better not try any funny business.

"Just wanted to say good morning…" he said as his breath, his sweet, cool breath, fanned against my face.

My hormones of course had to act up, so I crushed my lips to his, closing all the distance between us. I kissed his roughly. Edward was shocked at first, soon started kissing me back with the same enthusiasm.

Too soon we pulled back, I was dazed and could have sworn that Edward was a too. He quickly changed expressions.

That Edward was smirking happily at his work, so I gave him something to be proud of. I pulled my hand back and pushed it with as much for as my human body would allow.

_Smack!_ Edward looked shocked. Good.

" HOW DARE YOU DO THAT?! YOU KNOW THAT I'M HORMONAL WHEN I'M ON MY PERIOD, AND ALL YOU DO IS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME! AM I JUST A TOY FOR YOU?! IS THAT ALL I AM?!" I screamed. I was in tears now.

"No, no, I was just having a little fun Bella! Don't cry, please!" He pleaded.

" OH, SO NOW I'M JUST A FUN LITTLE HOBBY?!"

" No, no, I was just… arrg! Just come here." Edward said as he pulled me into his lap.

I cried on his shoulder, but suddenly I felt I needed something…

"CHOCOLATE!" I have screamed and half sang.

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**Okay that was the first chpter. Please review! **

**Also read Rosalie's Chat!**


	2. Chapter 2: Edward's Hidden Fear?

_**Alrighty! Chapter 2 is finally up! Sorry I haven't updated much. Busy, busy, busy! Please Review! Sorry it's so short. Again I breaking it up into chapters.**_

**_Love you all!_**

**_Ericaisdazzled_**

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_Edward_ burst out laughing. _I _was mad.

"Why do you always make fun of me just because I'm human?" I said in tears again.

Edward's laughter ceased immediately. "I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to offend your… humanity."

It's okay, I'm sorry for my mood swings. It really isn't fair you have to deal with them, you could _leave_"- I choked- "if you want to." I whispered.

He looked horrified. "Bella, I could never, ever leave you again." he nearly yelled.

My attitude changed suddenly. "Okay! Now let's go find some chocolate!" I yelled, closing my eyes and throwing my hands in the air with a big, goofy grin on my face.

Edward almost chuckled, but stopped himself to avoid the mother of all mood swings. Smart choice.

"I would love escort you downstairs to do that, Love, but can you take care off something first?" He said looking pointedly at my blood soaked pajama bottoms.

"Oh, right. Sorry!" I said blushing. I'm surprised I didn't get any on _his_ pants.

I hopped up and ran to the bathroom to find a brand new pack of unopened pads. It's payback time.

I opened the bathroom door, skipped to my doorway, and threw the new package into Edward's lap. He jumped and through his hands up like he was surrendering, staring at the pads in his lap before looking at me with a confused expression. "Open, please." was all I said.

Sheer panic crossed his face, but he decided to go with it, he obviously doesn't want to be scolded again. Yet another smart choice.

He picked it up like it was disease infested, only holding onto one corner. I nearly burst into hysterics right then, but I needed to keep a straight face for my darling vampire sweetheart.


	3. Chapter 3: Pressure And Deep Shit!

**I am very sorry for not updating sooner! School is ending and its been so... UHG! Only 30 days left though! Okay, well here's the chapter. Sorry Again!**

**Love Ya!**

**Ericaisdazzled**

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Edward's Point Of View. (EPOV)

I watched to see if my sweet Bella was serious. She was. She's standing in front of me with her arms crossed, waiting for me to open up her package of- gulp- _pads._

"Bella, Bella please, don't make me do this!" I begged, still, holding the package by the corner.

"Oh Edward," she said sweetly, "haven't you heard?"

"What?" I asked hopefully.

"Revenge is a bitch!" Bella said with a satisfied smirk.

No suck luck.

My jaw dropped. I was at shock at first that Bella said that. I mean, I've hear Bella cuss before, but never that word. I was also surprised that she had resisted my pleas.

I grimaced about what I was about to do. Damn, when she was on her period she was so fucking brave. It's kind of… sexy. _No, bad Edward!_ I've never thought these things before I met Bella Swan.

Ok, thank god for vampire speed! _Rip, whimper, tear, whimper, DONE!_

"Here you go my dearest Bella!" I said quite proud of myself, but she wasn't having that.

"Thank you Edward. Now, would you assist me by helping my put one on?" She said with an innocent expression while reaching for her bloody pajama bottoms.

But that was enough for me, I was out the window before she would even reach the elastic. I love Bella, but this is too much.

_Buzz!_ I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and looked at the screen. _Alice._ I pushed to talk button and brought the phone to my ear.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Edward, she was just joking." Alice said simply as I heard chuckles in the background, but she hung up before I could respond.

Oops! I should have known Bella would never make me do that! How could I be so stupid?! Now she's probably pissed!

As if right on Q I heard a scream.

"Edward, get your ass back here!"

Bella.

I'm in deep shit.

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**Okay, now, when I say, push the purple button. Ready? NOW!**


	4. Chapter 4: Preparing For?

**I just want to take this time to tell you this isn't the funniest chapter, but the next one will be great! I also want thank to that all that has supported me. Thank you soo much. I do a happy dance each time I get a review or alert or favorite author email. Even if you didn't do those, if you even just read any of my stories, I'm happy. Thank you. Now go read that chapter!**

**Love Always. PEACE.**

**Ericaisdazzled.**

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**Bella's Point Of View (BPOV)**

He is in deep shit!

How could he just leave like that? How could he think I would make him help me put a _pad_ on? Now he's going to leave forever!

"Bella?" A velvety voice said.

I looked up from my sobbing to see Edward's worried and slightly embarrassed face.

"Oh Bella, I'm sorry! I thought you were serious, then Alice called and now I feel really bad, and-" I cut him off there with my lips.

"I thought you were going to leave me forever!" I cried when we broke apart.

He chuckled. "It's going to take a lot more than a pad to get rid of me!"

"Well, I guess I'm stuck with you then."

"I guess so."

He stared into each other's eyes awhile, then I broke off.

"I'm going to go put this on… _myself._" I added, motioning toward the pads.

" 'Kay, you go do that, I'll be downstairs. Charlie is fishing right?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'll meet you down there."

I went to the bathroom and took care of my "business", then returned to my room to put on sweats and a sweatshirt. _God,_ I thought, _I'm craving chocolate so much I can smell it. I need therapy._

I ran down the stairs and successively got to the bottom without tripping. A first and one for the record book.

"Edward?" I called.

"Up here Bella!" He called from the top of the stairs.

I groaned.

"I was just up there!" I wined.

"Sorry!"

I grunted as I sluggishly made my way back up stairs, mumbling curses under my breathe all the way up.

"Language Bella." Edward called from my room.

"Fuck you." I mumbled under my breathe.

Edward poked his head out the door and narrowed his eyes. _Stupid vampire hearing, _I thought.

I stuck my tongue out at him, he rolled his eyes and brought his head back into the room and cracking the door.

"When I say to, come in." I heard his voice say.

"Alright."

I waited while I heard him moving things around. I started thinking of things he could be preparing for:

1. A major league baseball game.

Naw, my room too small, better make that minor league.

2. Opera's coming to talk to me about human hormones.

No, she has Doctor Oz for that.

4. A room makeover.

No, that's too Alice.

5. … I give up.

"You can come in now, Bella." Edward's velvety voice told me.

I opened my door to see my converted… room? No this defiantly wasn't my room.

With my jaw on the floor, all I could get out was, "Wow!"

"Wow" was an understatement.

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**OOOH! I made a cliffy didn't I? I'm so bad. There is a way you can ease the expense though! Review and I'll update sooner!**


	5. Author's Note: News

**Hello Everybody!**

**I am now eligible to be a Beta Reader. I'm really excited and can't wait to get started. I have everything filled out so please feel free to check it out on my profile. Please give me some work people!**

**Love Always. PEACE.**

**Ericaisdazzled**


	6. Chapter 5: Dirty Little Secret!

**Here's the second to the last chapter. It's REALLY weird.**

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BPOV

My room had been transformed into a Asian style massage center. Damn, how this boy does these things I don't know, but I love it.

There's a black curtain over my window, so no light will come in. Candle's illuminate the room and blood red tulip pedals litter the floor. My bed is missing and in it's place is a satin blanket on a long padded rectangular table. There's a silk cover on top of it. Am I supposed to sleep here or what?

And to the side of the table thing was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. There are two platters, one with strawberries, cherries, nuts, all decked in expensive looking chocolate.

The platter next to is an assortment of different chocolates, some are covered in yellow coating, some in white, even a glassy coating. They're all different shapes, some are the classic sphere, and some are triangles. They all looked equally delicious.

"Edward," I finally choked out, "what is this for?"

"For you relaxation benefit." He answered simply.

"If this is for relaxation, then I can't wait to see what you do when we make love." I wondered out loud, realizing what I said I blushed.

"You'll just have to wait and see." He said purring seductively.

My breathe hitched and he chuckled slightly.

"Now, go take off your clothes and put on the robe that's in the bathroom, I'll be here when you get back." Edward commanded and I could only nodded.

In the bathroom folded by the sink is a blue silk robe with lace at the end of the sleeves. It's one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

I quickly stripped off my clothes and put nothing but the rob on. The silk against my skin was delightful. I looked into the mirror to see I didn't look half bad either.

I opened the bathroom door when I was done and walked into my, well, was, my bedroom. Edward was standing by the door waiting for me. He looked at me and his eyes went wide. Without a word, he came and gave me a chaste kiss.

"Your so beautiful," he whispered against my lips, "it's sinful."

I blush at his comment.

"I'm going to turn around and your going to take that robe off, then your going to lay down on the table and cover yourself with that blanket. Understood?" Edward demanded. I secretly like the authoritative tone of his voice. It's sexy.

"Yes sir!" I said saluting him.

With a chuckle he turned around and I took off the robe, shivering a bit as the cold air snaked across my exposed skin. I lay down on the table to find it quite convertible and adjusted the silk blanket to cover my butt. I also popped a chocolate into my eager mouth.

" 'Kay Edward, I'm ready."

He turned around with several bottles in his hands. When he got to my side he asked, "Which one? I've got Lilac, Cherrie…, strawberry…"

"STRAWBERRY!" I yelled he set down the other bottles of lotion and chuckled.

"Why am I not surprised? You know, they might make you your own personal rehab. You have a problem Bella." He said in false seriousness.

I went along with it. "I do not! I can stop anytime time I want to!" I said with false sobbing.

"You need help Bella."

"Okay fine!

"Three days later." Edward said in a narrative voice.

"Hello, I'm Bella Swan and I'm a strawberry addict." I said with a straight face and serious voice.

"Hello Bella, welcome to Fruit Addictions Rehab Center."

Edward and I looked at each other for a minute and cracked up.

"But seriously Bella, are you addicted? Remember last week when you dropped a strawberry on the floor at my house? Jasper said you actually felt a little sad about it and felt like you were about to cry when you had to throw it away."

"It was a beautiful strawberry!" I said in my defense.

He rolled his beautiful topaz eyes. "Yeah, yeah! Anyway, it's time for your relaxation hour."

Edward put a generous amount of lotion in his hands and began to massage it into my back. The strawberry scent filled my head.

"Oh, God, Edward!" I moaned.

EPOV

Bella's noises totally turn me on.

Charlie POV

Oh, if Bella only knew what I really did instead of my so called "fishing trips". I don't know how to tell her that I'm gay though. Billy and I have been dating for four years now and we couldn't be happier. It is harder to have "fun" since he's in a wheelchair, but we manage. I always feel kind of bad that I married Renee, but I had to keep up the charade, so I kept pictures of her I the house. Its the perfect plan.

I'm driving up the fish shop the buy a couple trout, so Bella will think I just went fishing like every other weekend. She's probably hanging out with that boyfriends of hers. Damn, he is so hot. I always act mean and think mean things about him to make myself mad to cover up my attraction to him.

I got my trout and started driving to my house in the old police cruiser. As I pulled up in the driveway, I noticed Edward's car on the curb. Great, now I have to spoil a good day with being mean to Hot Boy.

I walk into the house and herd Bella moan, "Oh, God, Edward!"

They are not having sex in my house! Without me! All I ask for is if they do it to make it a threesome!

EPOV

I heard Charlie downstairs, then he thought, "They are not having sex in my house! Without me?! All I ask for is if they do it to make it a threesome!"

WHAT THE HELL?!

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**Yes, I am going to stop there. There will be one more chapter after this and then I am going to move on. Reveiw please or I may just deside to leave it hangin. I'm not joking.**

**I'm sorry I made Charlie and Billy gay, but I'm on a sugar buzz at the moment and am feeling really retarded. Sorry.**


	7. Chapter 6: Primates?

**Okay People, last chapter! Enjoy and please review!**

**Love Always. PEACE!**

**Ericaisdazzled**

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**EPOV**

I keep massaging Bell's back and shoulders so I won't alarm her about her father's thoughts. NO ONE should _ever_ have to hear that. I even pity myself a bit.

"Harder Edward, harder!" Bella moans.

My God, if Bella keeps up this this moaning than I better hope I don't get too… "excited", if you know what I mean. I've never been so turned on in my life!

**CPOV**

"Harder Edward, harder!" I hear Bella moan from up stairs.

I can't believe they're actually doing this. I thought I raised that girl to always think of her father! I'm going to get payback.

Time to tell Bella that I'm gay!

**BPOV**

I got up from the table and places my robe back on with Edward's back turned to me. I couldn't help but think that Edward was a little distracted… oh well, it's probably nothing.

I walked up behind Edward and put of arms around his stomach from behind.

"Thank you Edward, that was heavenly."

He turned around in my arms and embraced me, bringing his cool lips to my ear whispering, "Only the best for my angel."

Suddenly, I heard shouts from downstairs. I started to walk to the door a cool when grabbed my wrist to spin me around. I was met by pleading eyes.

"Bella, please, you really don't want to go down there!"

I was shocked, "Umm, yes I do."

He looked desperate, "Please Bella, no!"

I pulled my wrist free and walked towards the door. I heard Edward whisper, "This is not going to go well."

I opened the door with Edward close behind and made out the words of the shouts. Charlie? Billy?

"I'm a gay bustard!" They both chanted.

I walked down the steps and into the living room the Edward trailing along. I looked at the couch to see Charlie and Billy humping like horny Gorillas.

"Guess what honey? I'm gay and Billy is my lover!" Charlie shouted over Billy's moans.

I blacked out and the last thing I felt was Edward's arms around me.

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**EPILOGUE**

After that, Charlie and Billy were kicked out of Forks for having public gay sex at every possible location and even some impossible.

I'm talking screwing while cliff diving people!

Bella and Edward are currently at a mental institute for three months to undergo hard core therapy and hypnoses to get out of their head image of Charlie and Billy's rough monkey sex. We give them our best.

**THE END**

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**This is definitely disturbing, sorry. **

**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	8. Author's Note: Last One!

**Readers, **

**I want to thank everybody that read Isabella's Chat. I know have left many of you with bad mental images and creepy thoughts, I am sorry. **

**Despite how your brain was effected thanks to everyone, especially the reviewers, alerters, and favoriters! **

**Love Always! PEACE!**

**Ericaisdazzled**

**Here is a poem in honor of everybody that got this far:**

**Roses are red, Violets are blue,**

**You read this really creepy disturbing story,**

**Yippity, skippity, du!**

**:D :D :D :D**


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